Wednesday, May 25, 2011

No Easy Answers


Tonight I stood in a quiet hospital room feeling absolutely helpless.

I felt shock, anger, sadness and without words as tears streamed down my face.  The clock on the wall in the hospital room was the only steady noise to be heard even though the room was filled with people.  The steady noise I longed to hear, the steady noise the dear mother laying on the bed longed to hear was the sound of her sleeping baby.  My precious friend was holding her newborn baby boy in her arms and he was perfect in every way.  His cheeks were chubby and soft and tiny fingers intertwined with his mother’s shaking fingers as he seemed to be asleep.  Only he was not sleeping, he was dead.  


Her tiny son had been kicking in what seemed to be anticipation when she arrived that morning for her scheduled C-section but things got complicated quickly.  I felt like a knife pierce my heart when my friend looked at me and sobbed “This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life but it has become the very worst.”  Even now, I shudder to remember her tear streaked face hovering over that tiny baby’s peaceful one.


My feet echoed down the tile hallway when I left the birthing center, a crushing weight of sorrow on my lungs, my breath coming out in shallow gasp as I tried to cope with what had just happened.  The echo of my shoes in the empty corridor brought me back to a few years before this day when I was leaving a different birthing center room in a different city.


I had felt the same feelings of helplessness and sorrow after saying goodbye to my longtime childhood friend.  Even though her eyes were filled with tears, a sense of shock hung in a hospital room designed to welcome a newborn baby that had instead became a resting place for a tiny baby girl.  That baby girl was also perfect in every way from her dimpled fingers to tiny toes but her unique baby cry would never be heard on this earth.  My dear friend will one day hear her laugh and witness her baby girl run and dance…but not yet.


One day both of my friends will hold their babies and feel those little bodies snuggle into their arms, full of life and full of joy…but not yet.


One day I will get to hold our baby boy. I never got a chance to breath in his soft baby smell or blow on his chubby belly and hear him laugh that baby laugh, the purest sound in the whole universe.


So tonight, as I rode the elevator back down to the parking lot, my heart heavy and my eyes blurry, I had to wonder the question we all wonder in times like these, “Why?”


I knew there was no easy answer. If there was an answer, we would have to wait until the other side of Eternity.  Standing alone in the elevator, I realized I was asking this question to Someone who really can relate to me and the many others whom have had to do the unthinkable: bury their own child.


It was 2,000 years ago that God watched the burial of his own beloved Son.  What kind of sorrow filled his heart to see his Son die a cruel death after a life lived in such selfless love?  When his Son stepped out of that tomb three days later, what excitement must have filled Heaven as a joyful Father got ready: I’m going to hold my boy again!  His Son made a way so that each one of us can make a choice and one day, we can forever hold those we have lost.


Why should a parent ever have to bury their child?  I don’t know.  I shudder to think about this terrible side of life.  But there is one thing I do know, He cares and He understands.

11 comments:

Daisylin said...

Goodness gracious, Tara! I dont think I can handle one more ounce of tradgedy or bad news reports. It seems like everyone is facing some kind of tradgedy lately! So horrible... :( Did this just happen in Marshfield, this week? Does this woman need anything? I will be praying. :((((

Tara Cole said...

That is very kind of you--very "Daisy" of you since that's just who you are to always think of others, thank you. I think she has everything she needs (yes, just happened today in town) for now...mostly needs friends and prayer and know she has lots of both right now. Thank you.

Trish McIlwain said...

There is a place in the Marshfield Cemetery called "The Healing Place". The place is located right across from the ER - a few rows back between two mausoleums (close to the garage area). There is a bench with comforting words along with a gravestone with a verse. There is an arbor that has small ornaments hanging with glass-etched names of babies/small children that families have lost. It's a nice mini-garden area that is peaceful and secluded. A suggested cost is $5.00 to cover the glass ornament with the etching. A person just needs to send all of the information to The Hannah Center - either by mail, stopping by or email. Sadly, several have broken due to the wind, but they are working on securing them differently. There are individuals/families that upkeep the area. They have a fountain during the summertime. So, I hope this helps anyone that wants a way to remember their little loved one(s). These ornaments are not just for Marshfield families - anyone from anywhere can do this. Some people just stop, sit and meditate for all different reasons. Some women and their families never had the chance to bury their child and this gives them a place to go and feel connected (to their God and to the world). I hope this helps at least one person. May God heal their broken hearts.

kjbdownie said...

Oh Tara,
My heart is broken for your friend. I cannot imagine the devastation she is feeling right now, and I have no words of comfort. Please let her know that people she has never met are praying for her and broken for her.

Tara Cole said...

Trish, thanks for sharing this with us, it sounds like a wonderful place and I will definitely mention it to my friend. Kimberly, very kind of you to say and I'll sure pass that along...

Jill said...

Oh, that is SO sad! That happened to a dear friend of mine here, and I am still SO sad for her! I wrote a blog post about it, you can find it here: http://thywordisalamptomyfeet.blogspot.com/2011/04/baby-loss-held.html

I love your blog and I'm following from voice boks. I hope you'll check out my blog too.

Tara Cole said...

Thanks, Jill. Will check your post out too!

Stephanie said...

hi Tara
i really love this story that you wrote....i miss my son dearly and i know that he is in a better place but 4 long months is literally making em go crazy . This was not supposed to happen at all. He was fine and kicking when i went in , but I guess God had other plans for him and me. I wish that god would've just let em have my son i always pray that he would give him back to me but I know that he will never bring my son back. So now for me to close
Dear Kielante Rashad MOMMY LOVES AND MISSES YOU VERY MUCH AND SHE WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT YOU....HOW COULD I YOU ALWAYS KEPT ME UP UNTIL 2 A.M WANTING TO PLAY INSIDE MY TUMMY..."LOL" BUT AFTER 2 A.M. YOU WENT TO SLEEP FINALLY ......I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE DAY TO COME FOR WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO DELIVER YOU AND THE DAY CAME AND YOU WERE LIFTED AWAY INTO GODS ETERNAL THRONE TO GO AND PLAY AND HAVE FUN AND NEVER BE HURT......AND FEEL THE PAIN OF WHAT EARTH IS LIKE...EVEN THO YOU ONLY LIVED 9 MONTHS INSIDE ME YOU\ WILL AND HAVE LIVED FOREVER IN ETERNITY WITH THE SAVIOR GOD FOREVER AND EVER AND ONE DAY I WILL BE UP THERE RUNNING TO YOU IN OPEN ARMS AND I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO OR SLIP BETWEEN MY FINGERS AGAIN.... I LOVE YOU KIELANTE RASHAD R.I.P.My 25,2011 11:29a.m.

Kisheena said...

also Tara i would like to thank you for always being by my side and teaching me who to be a better parent and how to love my child more then ever and i love you for that ...and i will til be a great mother even tho he has passed away 4 months ago .... i love you Tara fro that and i consider you family for a that
love Kisheena

Tara Cole said...

Kisheena, and thank YOU for teaching me how to just love on people more, you are so good to EVERYONE you meet. I love that about you. And yes, you ARE a great mother. Hugs.

Kisheena said...

Well i lost my son Kielante may 25,2011 and now god has gave me a precious new gift ....A baby girl whom is in the way in 2 wks and 3 days I have her its a scheduled c-section on December 17 at 8 am ...I know my son is looking down on me and smiling for he has and is seeing me smile more and more for his baby sister.......he is here with me he and god are always watching over me and thia pregnancy is going and doing great....well I'm going to end this but TARA I LOVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN I WAS NEEDING SOMEONE TO TALK OR CRY ON...CANT WAIT TO BRING BABY JORDYN TO VISIT FAMILY IN WI WHEN WEATHER IS WARMER.....