Lately four words have been suspended in the air every time I stand at the crossroads between peace and worry, between fear and faith.
“Do you trust me?”
The situations change, the dilemmas take on different faces but the question remains, “Do you trust me?”
I don’t know…do I, Lord?
Because the answer to that will determine how I respond in this moment and, ultimately, it will determine the outcome of THIS situation...which could change my life forever.
But no pressure, right?!
Can I be real with you? Trusting sometimes seems like INaction to a girl who loves action (which is why I truly am loving life with all my tiny people, just call me Action Girl!). Trust seems like giving up but I’m realizing it’s really giving in to the Creator who sees the entire symphony while I stare in confusion at a single note on the music sheet.
You know that saying, “Some people have to learn the hard way?” Hello, nice to meet you: I am that people. Darn it all. I seem to enjoy head-butting a brick wall repeatedly before I finally rub my head and say, “Well, maybe there’s a better way.” Thankfully, I do eventually learn and try something different!
Just today I heard these four little words again when I hung up the phone after a conversation with my husband (and the loudest “la-la-la” song I could muster didn't do a thing to quiet that question in my soul).
Let me just say, I adore my man. He’s a good, hard-working man and the best daddy I could have ever dreamed of to our four children. I feel pretty dang lucky. That being said...the man drives me crazy sometimes! Especially when I feel I got marching orders for our life and he has a different idea. Why can’t he ever just smile and say, “Yes, Dear.”?! It’s not like I want to be in control…I just think sometimes my way is the HIGH way, as in the BEST way. Like I said before: brick wall.
Both my husband, Bob, and I felt God put it on our hearts last year to get our home ready to sell. I have no idea why since raising four children in a two bedroom home has been marvelous fun but, alas, I will sacrifice for the sake of the Kingdom if God has something better for us (wink, wink!).
It was truly an exciting day last fall when (just a few days after I had decided to be completely content with where we are now) I felt God nudge me and say, “Get the house ready to sell next year.” When I first heard this, I immediately wanted to know “the scoop”, “Sure, God: but then what? Should we start looking for a new home? Where are we going? What will we be doing? How will this all work?” Here was the answer I got: “Do you trust me?” I took a big breath and nodded, Yes, I do.
Next, I sealed my lips (which should really be the 8th wonder of the world) and waited patiently for God to confirm this by putting it in Bob’s heart also (can I get a woo-woo from all the ladies out there who also think they hear from God first, ha ha!!). Sure enough, a few weeks later, Bob (who had wanted to have the house paid off before we ever sold it, i.e. in the year 2050 when we would be transitioning to a nursing home) said the same thing out of the blue and I nearly tackled him to the ground in excitement (which brought NO complaints from him, of course).
Fast forward seven months to this spring as I envision our front yard; flowers blooming, green grass sprouting and a “For Sale” sign attracting just the perfect buyer for our well-loved home. That would, of course, be according to “Tara’s Way or The Highway Plan” which was vetoed tonight by my sweetheart. His plans included finishing up a few home projects (which for a family short on time and cash and big on family demands made me feel like he was proposing we scale Mt. Everest, blindfolded.) and taking more time (remember, Action Girl here?!) to think and pray about it (boring, ha ha!). Naturally, I did what any self-respecting Action Girl would do: I proposed my plan again and again…and again from different angles. I try so hard to be tricky but tonight, I was busted by Bob, “If you insist, we’ll do it your way then.” An image of a brick wall flashed in my mind and I sighed, “No, it’s okay, we’ll stick to your plan, that sounds wise.” With that, I hung up and a tear escaped down my cheek. Nothing was going according to MY plan and I felt helpless when suddenly, I heard four little words,
“Do you trust me?”
Do I trust Him to not only lead me but trust him to lead my husband in the direction we are supposed to go? When I slipped a shiny band over my fiancée's finger six years ago and spoke the words of commitment until death that made him my Leader, my Best Friend and my Husband, I meant it. But there are days that I try to carry a burden that is too heavy for my shoulders, days I try to lead and make him follow ME…days that I DON’T trust him which reminds me I’m not trusting the One that equipped him with the faith and fortitude to lead our family.
“Do you trust me?”
The question hung in the air as I stared at the silent cell phone in my hand.
But I have to DO something, I have to MAKE something happen! The protests of Action Girl were met with the same four-word-question and in my mind’s eye, I could see beautiful nail-scarred hands. Who loves me more? Who could possibly have a better plan for our life than the One that gave up his only Son so that we could have both life abundantly here on earth and in the life eternal that lays beyond this temporary home.
There was something a Girl of Action could do that would change things while I trusted God…
I got down on my knees and prayed.
Yes, God, I trust You.