Despicable "D"

It was an amazingly fateful day many years ago when I walked towards a man standing tall in a starched black tuxedo with tears in his eyes that met with mine and melted me.  I knew without a doubt that I was about to marry Mr. Right.  What I didn’t know at the time was that he was Mr. Right All The Time.

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The school-rhyme held true for me and Bob Cole, a.k.a, The Man of My Dreams: first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage…THEN comes reality.

I couldn’t say the exact day it happened, but sometime after the tan faded from our blissful honeymoon-stay on a tropical island and before the birth of our first child, we rolled over in bed, looked at each other and nearly screamed in shock in terror as we realized: “I married a…HUMAN!!!”

Our fights had moved on the spectrum from cute (during the dating days) to killer (post “I Do” days).  At first it was, “Honey, you are so busy working hard so don’t worry about it but I noticed you forgot to take out the trash.  Actually, I thought it was kinda cute because you are my sugar-smoochie-poochie and nothing you do could ever bother me.” Before long though, it was more like, “Don’t forget to take the trash out again or I’ll go all Nick Nolte on you (please see picture below).

The thing is, some days we just don’t FEEL like being married.  We don’t FEEL knock-off-our-socks, sweep-us-off-our-feet, and madly in love with our spouses.  And when these feelings come knocking, they bring with them a very repulsive and deadly friend that goes by the name of Despicable “D”.  

Despicable “D” has a pretty trashy reputation that is known all around the globe. His presence in someone's life has actually shortened their life expectancy* (*see below for all documented stats) In fact, a researcher from Yale concluded that the effect of Despicable “D” in a person’s life is so dangerous, it is almost comparable to smoking a pack a day.

Despicable “D”  has a negative influence on the mental health of both men and woman that often rears it’s ugly head through depression, hostility and negative personal growth and relationships.  As if ravaging the mind and body weren’t enough, the Despicable “D” goes after people’s pocketbooks too.  Sixty percent of those who have been pillaged by the Despicable “D” are under the poverty line.  

Unfortunately, the Despicable “D” is no respecter of persons and it is not beneath him to attack innocent children as well.  These young victims will sometimes earn lower grades and be less pleasant to be around than their peers.  The older victims (teenagers) are more likely to need psychological help with a year of the Despicable “D” visiting their home.

In studies that compare the children whose parents were affected by the Despicable “D” verses children whose parents died, the children from homes affected by the “D” have MORE psychological problems (more on this below also).  The health of children from these homes is also at risk.  Children affected by the Despicable “D” are more likely to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects.  There is more on the Despicable “D”’s rap-sheet of suffering and pain but there’s not enough room in this blog to continue.

Take a breath right now if you need one.  I understand that well since my heart is heavy too as I share these sickening and mind-boggling statistics about divorce, the Despicable “D”.

Divorce isn’t the easy way out of a marriage, it’s the hard way.  May I now suggest something about those feelings that tell us we’d be better of without him/her…the feelings that say we don’t have the same _______ (passion, love, fun, fill in the blank here) as we did when we were dating or first married?  We need to tell our feelings to take a long walk off a short pier.  We need to kick their butt out of our lives when they are shouting BIG lies into our heads.

There are many things that ignite passion in my Irish blood (and my husband is a passionate man as well) but there is nothing we feel MORE passionately about than this: the “D” word will NOT be an option.  The Despicable “D” may come knocking and he can huff and he can puff but he will not blow this house down.  Good ol’ Mr. RIP VanWinkle is the only way the love of my life will ever get rid of me (now don’t get any ideas, my dear).

Best-selling author and marriage guro, Gary Thomas, puts it this way, “If we get married for trivial reasons, we get divorced for trivial reasons.  Compare yourself to Jesus and tell me if you have any time left over to fix anyone else.  Let us purify OURSELVES (not our spouses) (2 Cor. 7:1).”  I love the biblical concept he presents that is quite opposite to the world’s ideology: the MAIN purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but holy.  

To be quite honest, I’m not very excited about this concept when I’m facing off my sweetheart in some all-important debate (that I can never remember later, why is that!?), because I want HIM to make ME happy.  But in those (rare!!!) times that I die to self, entrust the situation over to God in prayer and let His peace fill my heart then I feel God changing me.  He makes me more like Him.  That is HIS goal (1 Peter 2:5) and I’m striving to make it MY goal too (rather slowly and with some backward steps too as my husband could confirm).

We need to face down the Despicable "D" Grumpy-Old-Men style: ornery and stubborn.  Will you be ornery, mean and stubborn about not letting this be an option?  Because if so, it could change your life and the lives of your children forever.

*Note from author: this is a message written with the audience of married people in mind. Knowing that this audience may include people having gone through divorce, I want to encourage you that there is ALWAYS hope and grace in Christ.  Even a dark and difficult situation can be turned around and (my favorite part) gloriously used in His Kingdom!  Also to be noted: there are biblical grounds for divorce and I am not arguing against those as much as the very petty reasons people are separating over these days.  If you are in a situation of ANY kind of abuse, it would be wise to seek immediate help and possibly a separation while you both undergo professional counseling.  With care and prayers, Tara Cole

The STATS:

Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 3

A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.4

The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.” 5

After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,6 indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.

Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.7 Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

1 Pamela J. Smock, "The Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades." Demography 30 (1993): 353-371.

2 John Crouch, "Virginia"s No-Fault Divorce Reform Bill," interview with John Crouch and Jim Parmelee on Television Channel 10, Fairfax, VA, www.divorcereform.org.

3 Robert Coombs, "Marital Status and Personal Well-Being: A Literature Review," Family Relations 40 (1991):97-102; I. M. Joung, et al., "Differences in Self-Reported Morbidity by Marital Status and by Living Arrangement," International Journal of Epidemiology 23 (1994): 91-97.

4 Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), p. 148.

5 Harold J. Morowitz, "Hiding in the Hammond Report," Hospital Practice (August 1975), p. 39.

6 James S. Goodwin, William C. Hunt, Charles R. Key and Jonathan M. Sarmet, "The Effect of Marital Status on Stage, Treatment, and Survival of Cancer Patients," Journal of the American Medical Association 258 (1987): 3125-3130.

7 Nadine F. Marks and James D. Lambert, "Marital Status Continuity and Change among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on Psychological Well-being," Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-686.

5. Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)

6. Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)

7. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988) The DEATH of a parent is LESS devastating to a child than a DIVORCE. (Even I wouldn't believe this if I didn’t see the statistic myself.)

8. Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

The BEST and MOST Expensive Gift for Children

What’s the cost of a child?  I’ve heard figures tossed out that estimate $222,360* to raise a child from birth to age eighteen.  That includes everything from their first diaper and prom dress until their last big toy (ie, car) and final semester of high school.

Given our current family, that would estimate our cost of child-raising to total around ONE MILLION dollars!  Hey, I guess that means we own a million dollars worth of property!  That figure could make me shake in my Momma slippers…except that prom dresses and football camps aren’t the main cost we consider when we ask this question, “Should we have a child?”

We may pay for our children’s college education.

But, we may not.

We may buy them all their jeans from Hollister (well, if you can find the actual jean through all the tears and holes).

Um...seriously?  This inch of fabric cost money?!

But, we may not.

When we think ahead to what our legacy as parents should be to our precious gifts from God, we don’t focus on giving them just material possesions nor college degrees.  Of course, there is value in blessing our children with things just because we love them.  The concept of grace (receiving something we didn’t earn or don’t deserve) is caught by our kids when we do this and it’s a crucial concept as they grow into adults.  

With that in mind, I think the BEST thing we can invest in our children cost MORE than the most stunning wedding dress (yes, even the one recently worn at the Royal Wedding!) and it cost even more than four years (or more!) at the most expensive Ivy League school…curious?  The cost of leaving an unforgettable legacy to our children canned be summed up with four HUGE figures…here it is…T-I-M-E.

TIME cost us everything.

TIME cost us putting our own BIG dreams aside for a season (though they may be good and wonderful…world-changing even!).

TIME cost us setting down LITTLE distractions (Can the facebook check in wait?  Will we die from NOT answering our cell phone now and then? Will the dusty shelf and dirty dishes still be there after they go to bed?).

TIME is spent EVERY day in making special memories; blowing bubbles and laughing with them while they splash in the bathtub, ignoring the popsicle dripping all over their new white shirt to focus on them as they share a silly joke, reading them a bedtime story when you get home from work instead of turning on the T.V. and putting up those aching feet.

TIME is spent in shaping their character to be Christ-like.  It’s choosing to be consistent and discpline (yes, for the fifth time in FIVE minutes) when he disobeyes and sneaks out of bed.  It’s teaching the siblings engaged in WWIII how to make amends and treat eachtoher with love and respect, in spite of differing opinions.  It’s showing them how to share a smile and warm hug with a special needs friend because we are all perfect and amazingly created by God.  It’s slowing down when we notice the speed sign (or cop!) and joyfully obeying the law.  It’s clasping our hand over our heart when the Pledge of Alligience plays and standing with pride, reminding them that freedom isn’t free and our brave soldiers pay for our freedom with both their time and lives.  

It takes TIME to teach and exemplify the lessons that form these characteristics in their lives; Respect, Care, Gentleness, Self-Control, Compassion, Gratitude, and Courtesy, to name just a VERY few.

And, ultimately, it cost TIME to teach them about a God who stepped out of the endless continuum of Eternity to enter our temporary world as Jesus of Nazareth and spend TIME with us in order to lead us back to Himself.  

At the end of our days (and honey, like it or not, that day arrives for us all), our legacy to our children will be summed up in this; the MEMORIES we shared, the CHARACTER they developed, and, most importantly (because eternity is FOREVER), the DECISION they made about Jesus.

What does this legacy cost us?  It will cost us everything but the reward is absolutely priceless.  It will cost us TIME.

*The U.S.D.A. numbers are in, it now costs an average middle-income American family $222,360 to raise a child from birth to 18. That’s 22 percent higher than it was in 1960, adjusted for inflation. And that doesn’t begin to include college costs.

Who's Laughing at YOU?

Don’t you love “lol” moments, when you really LAUGH OUT LOUD!?  I just had one of those today during a conversation with my three-year-old son.  Here it is:

Judah: Hey!  (while looking out the dining room patio doors)  I just saw a LIGHT black squirrel!

Me: Also known as GRAY, Judah!  (laughing)

Judah: (grinning ear to ear)  Yeah…I always make people laugh ON me!!

Me: Oh, really?  Why do they laugh?

Judah: Behuzz I BONK my head, like this! (does a “Three Stooges” self face punch)

Me: (MORE laughing) I wish that was the only reason we laugh “ON” you, kid!!

The reasons we’ve laughed “ON” Judah include (but are NOT limited to); discovering him giving himself a swirly in our toilet (Eau de Toilet Boy), finding him naked and slimed from head-to-toe in hand soap (Super SOAPer!), and walking into his dump truck dirt-landscape that used to be our living room (Extreme Dirty Jobs: Home Make-over Edition).

I’ll be the first to admit, in each of these situations, laughter wasn’t always the number one idea that sprang to mind.  Sometimes, I had other ideas that usually had me turning into Charlie Brown’s mother…but, I’m learning I’m going to laugh about it eventually, so why not NOW?  

We LOVE to laugh in this family.  Laughter is like slamming down a shot of hope and peace in the midst of a storm (not that I know anything about shots…just saying).  It warms you to the core and makes everything a bit easier to handle.  These are just a few of my favorite quotes about laughter,

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.  ~Victor Borge

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.  ~Yiddish Proverb

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.  ~Alan Alda

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion.  I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.  ~Kurt Vonnegut

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  ~E.E. Cummings

Laughter is an instant vacation.  ~Milton Berle

I think one of the greatest challenges when it comes to laughter is growing in our ability to laugh ON (i.e., AT) ourselves.  Sometimes I plan our lives so carefully, it takes all the fun out of it…what’s wrong with a “flying by the seat of our pants” option every now and again?!  Lately, when I realize I’m in my Mrs. Control-freak mode, I stop and LAUGH…at ME! I’m such a dork sometimes!  

When I’m in full huffing-and-puffing, ready-to-blow-my-husband’s-argument-down mode, I let out all the hot air in my head and LAUGH at ME!
I ask my man, “I’m making a big deal out of nothing, right?”  (of course, he looks like a deer in headlights as this question sounds strangely like, “Does my butt look big?” to the male brain) and I realize I just need to take a CHILL pill now and then.  It’s OKAY to LAUGH at ourselves! Laughter is a God-given can of WD40 in our lives to make things run a bit smoother.  Let’s use it!   

Who’s laughing at YOU?  Hopefully, it’s YOU! So whether you catch your kid with his head in the toilet or catch yourself being a straight up dork…just LAUGH.  That could make the world (especially your children and spouse’s world) a better place to be!

Just for fun video: I LOVE To Laugh!

We DID Start the FIRE!

I wasn’t going for The Mother Teresa Award when I had the *brilliant* idea (a.k.a, INSANE!) a few days ago to trek my fab four through an assisted living facility laden with hand-made May Day baskets of treats to “bless” the elderly people living there.  While I didn’t think I was being outstanding, I certainly didn’t think I would end up having an Evil Knievel affect on the elderly that day rather than a loving Mother Teresa one.  Our visit involved us starting a FIRE and scaring the daylights out of the residents…like I said, my idea was so brilliant!


I’ve been on this “let’s do it with PURPOSE” kick lately.  Whether I’m whipping up some mashed potatoes or making an art project with the kids, I have been pausing to ask, “How could this meal/project/time make a difference for eternity?”  With four pre-school children underfoot every moment of my day, this question may seem a bit far-fetched at times (I should probably be thinking instead, “How can I SURVIVE until bedtime?”) and my husband does sometimes call me unrealistic.  Of course, I much prefer the term “optimistic”!

May Day was just around the corner (thought the actually presence of Spring is still M.I.A!) and my crew and I worked as long as their attention spans would last (about five minutes) to create some fun little May Day baskets and cards.  After this crafting tornado died down, I was left in a wake of glitter, uncapped markers and sheer joy: I love doing life with my children…messes and all!  

As I stared at the May Day Museum spread out to dry on my kitchen counter, I thought: we should take these to some elderly people because older people are sometimes lonely and they usually love children!  Not to mention, my kids would be enriched by interacting with the older generation as well.  Hey, I thought excitedly, this is a WIN-WIN.

May Day dawned gloomy and cold but that didn’t matter because we were bringing our own sunshine!  I loaded up the kids in the van to make the appointment we had at a local assisted living facility and the kids were all smiles as they held hands and entered the living room of  the group home, everything was going according to plan.

Then, once again, LIFE happened…or, as some may say (aka, my husband whose fateful laugh at the proposal of my idea was ringing in my head at that moment): REALITY.  My Little Rays of Sunshine were too busy stuffing their faces with all the candy from the May Baskets to notice any of the sweet little grandmas that came out to say hello.  I tried to give them discreet nudges and little whisper-warnings of being grounded until their 18th birthday if they shoved another piece of candy in their mouths, all while attempting to converse politely with the aforementioned grandmas.  

Since I was holding on to my baby, Gabby, the only one that didn’t look like a chipmunk, I couldn’t actually stop the May Day Mutiny.  Fortunately, none of the residents seemed to notice the May Day Baskets being handed to them by my children were all empty.  The residents did seem to enjoy interacting with the little ones, and my kids also seemed to enjoy the new faces of the elderly.


In fact, I was just breathing a sigh of relief when my nose caught wind of a strange smell…the smell of something burning…the smell of FIRE!  I turned around and saw my four-year-old son standing next to a candle at the kitchen table with a flaming candy wrapper about to burn the tips of his fingers.  I did one of those “Mommy-Air-Jordan” moves (that I’m still hurting from days later) and pretty much flew across the room without my feet ever hitting the floor.  I grabbed the wrapper to save my son’s finger and then realized, Oh, snap.  What do I do with this?  

The only thing that came to mind at that HOT moment was my fifth grade assembly class when the fire department came and taught us the fire safety basics: Stop, Drop and Roll.  So I stopped holding the burning wrapper, dropped it onto the lovely linoleum floor and rolled my tennis shoe on top, burning a little hole into the floor and wishing the hole were big enough for me to crawl into and die of embarrassment!


Meanwhile, the residents looked on in shock and I wondered who we should call first; the fire station to put out the fire, the ambulance to care for the residents we nearly gave heart attacks to, or the police station to arrest me for being so unrealistic in my expectations that it is probably considered illegal!  


After my son also recovered from his shock (“Mom, I didn’t know it would do that!!  I didn’t think…I was just seeing what it would do…”) and joined me in cleaning the floor while apologizing profusely, I felt like the new Evil Knievel of assisted living homes, “Able to start dangerous fires, can leap across walkers in a single bound and (with the assistance of curious little helpers) cause crazy chaos wherever she goes!”  I wondered if there were a secret "Blackball List" that Assisted Living Homes swapped and if I would make tomorrow’s front page.  

After a bit more small talk and head pattings (the elderly to the children), we made our escape…the taste of humble pie still lingering in my mouth.  Ah, LIFE…REALITY is so…unpredictable sometimes!


Well, at least we gave them something to talk about!

Action Girl Strikes Again!

Lately four words have been suspended in the air every time I stand at the crossroads between peace and worry, between fear and faith.

“Do you trust me?”

The situations change, the dilemmas take on different faces but the question remains, “Do you trust me?”

I don’t know…do I, Lord?

Because the answer to that will determine how I respond in this moment and, ultimately, it will determine the outcome of THIS situation...which could change my life forever.

But no pressure, right?!

Can I be real with you?  Trusting sometimes seems like INaction to a girl who loves action (which is why I truly am loving life with all my tiny people, just call me Action Girl!).  Trust seems like giving up but I’m realizing it’s really giving in to the Creator who sees the entire symphony while I stare in confusion at a single note on the music sheet.

You know that saying, “Some people have to learn the hard way?”  Hello, nice to meet you: I am that people.  Darn it all.   I seem to enjoy head-butting a brick wall repeatedly before I finally rub my head and say, “Well, maybe there’s a better way.”  Thankfully, I do eventually learn and try something different!

Just today I heard these four little words again when I hung up the phone after a conversation with my husband (and the loudest “la-la-la” song I could muster didn't do a thing to quiet that question in my soul).

Let me just say, I adore my man.  He’s a good, hard-working man and the best daddy I could have ever dreamed of to our four children.  I feel pretty dang lucky.  That being said...the man drives me crazy sometimes!  Especially when I feel I got marching orders for our life and he has a different idea.  Why can’t he ever just smile and say, “Yes, Dear.”?!  It’s not like I want to be in control…I just think sometimes my way is the HIGH way, as in the BEST way.  Like I said before: brick wall.

Both my husband, Bob, and I felt God put it on our hearts last year to get our home ready to sell.  I have no idea why since raising four children in a two bedroom home has been marvelous fun but, alas, I will sacrifice for the sake of the Kingdom if God has something better for us (wink, wink!).  

It was truly an exciting day last fall when (just a few days after I had decided to be completely content with where we are now) I felt God nudge me and say, “Get the house ready to sell next year.”  When I first heard this, I immediately wanted to know “the scoop”, “Sure, God: but then what?  Should we start looking for a new home?  Where are we going?  What will we be doing?  How will this all work?”  Here was the answer I got: “Do you trust me?”  I took a big breath and nodded, Yes, I do.  

Next, I sealed my lips (which should really be the 8th wonder of the world) and waited patiently for God to confirm this by putting it in Bob’s heart also (can I get a woo-woo from all the ladies out there who also think they hear from God first, ha ha!!).  Sure enough, a few weeks later, Bob (who had wanted to have the house paid off before we ever sold it, i.e. in the year 2050 when we would be transitioning to a nursing home) said the same thing out of the blue and I nearly tackled him to the ground in excitement (which brought NO complaints from him, of course).

Fast forward seven months to this spring as I envision our front yard; flowers blooming, green grass sprouting and a “For Sale” sign attracting just the perfect buyer for our well-loved home.  That would, of course, be according to “Tara’s Way or The Highway Plan” which was vetoed tonight by my sweetheart. His plans included finishing up a few home projects (which for a family short on time and cash and big on family demands made me feel like he was proposing we scale Mt. Everest, blindfolded.) and taking more time (remember, Action Girl here?!) to think and pray about it (boring, ha ha!).  Naturally, I did what any self-respecting Action Girl would do: I proposed my plan again and again…and again from different angles.  I try so hard to be tricky but tonight, I was busted by Bob, “If you insist, we’ll do it your way then.”  An image of a brick wall flashed in my mind and I sighed, “No, it’s okay, we’ll stick to your plan, that sounds wise.”  With that, I hung up and a tear escaped down my cheek.  Nothing was going according to MY plan and I felt helpless when suddenly, I heard four little words,

“Do you trust me?”

Do I trust Him to not only lead me but trust him to lead my husband in the direction we are supposed to go?  When I slipped a shiny band over my fiancée's finger six years ago and spoke the words of commitment until death that made him my Leader, my Best Friend and my Husband, I meant it.  But there are days that I try to carry a burden that is too heavy for my shoulders, days I try to lead and make him follow ME…days that I DON’T trust him which reminds me I’m not trusting the One that equipped him with the faith and fortitude to lead our family.

“Do you trust me?”

The question hung in the air as I stared at the silent cell phone in my hand.  

But I have to DO something, I have to MAKE something happen!  The protests of Action Girl were met with the same four-word-question and in my mind’s eye, I could see beautiful nail-scarred hands.  Who loves me more?  Who could possibly have a better plan for our life than the One that gave up his only Son so that we could have both life abundantly here on earth and in the life eternal that lays beyond this temporary home.

There was something a Girl of Action could do that would change things while I trusted God…

Something powerful…

Something amazing…

Something real…

I got down on my knees and prayed.

Yes, God, I trust You.

"Lead Me" Music Video